WAlthough anxiety clearly indicates what is important to us, what our value is, what we are most afraid of, it unfortunately does not provide information on how to deal with this knowledge. A touching fragment appeared on the Facebook profile of one of the famous bloggers: “When we are children, the world is the mathematics of a tabernacle – we add new friends to our reality, multiply joys, intensify euphoria with cheap wine and cigarettes smoked behind the trash can at school. With adulthood comes disintegration, empty places at the table, my heart is divided into a million pieces, I leave my emotions out of the main equation like dirty shoes behind the door.
Their world is difficult
This description of adulthood is also shared by many, many young people and even children. However, something makes us adults feel that our worlds are different, that they do not mix, that the emotions (ours) exposed at the door are justified and true, while the emotions of our children are excessive and… well… unjustified. Our children, our teenage sons and daughters, should simply be carefree and happy. There is no room in their lives for fear, anger, sadness or frustration, because that is how childhood and youth should be!
However, although our teenagers’ experience is probably smaller, their cognitive abilities are different and their emotions have a completely different range. They live in the same world as us, struggling with pressure, disappointment and failure. They often want to experience responsibility and agency, and sometimes to be able to hug or play again. They need to be, at least for a moment, an independent entity, self-determining their own destiny, making mistakes and drawing conclusions from them. They are ready.
Their world is difficult. On the one hand, their biology treats them badly (young people suffer from permanent fatigue, changes in the circadian rhythm), and their emotional and psychosocial development is a bumpy path (increased strength of emotions, imagined audience – “others pay constant attention and evaluation to my thoughts and behavior”, personal legend – “my feelings and ideas are unique, uniquely important”). The developmental task that a young person faces is to shape identity – that is, to find answers to the question of who I am and who I want to be in the future.
Problems with parent messages
However, it is not that they lack competence or that they lack rationality. And their experience in many areas of life is much richer than ours. They can be experts or our guides. Meanwhile, when they declare a difficulty or a problem, they hear from adults: “What do you know about life! If only I had these problems!”, “Your only duty and concern today should be to learn – be glad you don’t have any others.”
Parents think they are supporting you in this way: “Look, I, as an adult, have problems”, they try to normalize it: “I also only studied when I was your age (!)” or they give you a solution – because in fact there is no problem, so you don’t need to worry about it – or golden advice: “You just need to organize your time better”; “You need to be able to choose what is important in life”; “Don’t stress!” Advice that may be true in many situations, but completely impossible for many young people to implement – inadequate, because the teenager is not yet able to do it or, often, that is not their problem.
Many adults try to motivate us: “Remember, a good high school means a good college” or “School will prepare you for life.” These are myths that, unfortunately, have nothing to do with reality, but they raise standards and create new tasks. Why does everyone have to go to college? Does it determine what kind of person I will be and whether I will be fulfilled?
Sometimes, adults, faced with their children’s difficulties, try to take the blame (“It’s because of me, I’ve only worked my whole life, I wasn’t there for you”). However, instead of providing support, such a message makes people feel guilty. It doesn’t show an adult’s perspective, their experiences, their fears – it just gives a simple explanation of the situation, to which a young person must adapt like dough to a can. Many adults believe that it is enough to tell a young person about their emotions in response to their confessions (“It’s hard to listen” or “I can’t listen to this anymore, it depresses me”). What can a young person do with such a message? Isn’t this a cry for help – take care of me, an adult?
Some parents believe that things should be obvious to their children – their own experiences, judgements, beliefs. However, many young people do not have access to these. Therefore, they do not understand the context, the parents’ perspective, their fears and anxieties. And if parents also feel guilty about their child, they will also have difficulty understanding that their fears do not have to be identical to those of the teenager and, in fact, should not be the main advisor in action.
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Most young people hear in these messages that their world and their difficulties are not important, that they think badly, evaluate reality incorrectly and have the wrong emotions in response to life events that happen to them. They are unable to motivate themselves or carry out a simple task (“Just organize your time better”). Everything begins to dominate them. That is why they often try to disappear. They stop talking and talking about their lives.
From a child’s point of view
Let’s return to the question of the attitude and role of a modern parent, addressing the question of a high school student: “What do you think it means that my parents care about me, are worried? How can you care about someone you don’t know? Sometimes they ask me questions, for example, how is school going – they have Librus, don’t they? ask.
Do modern parents listen? Can they listen? They certainly know that it is worth talking to them, but they probably don’t know how. In the modern world, changes happen very quickly. In the past, the reproduction of parental patterns was more adaptive than it is today. The same patterns worked. Obedience was valuable. However, today employers look for responsibility, creativity and independence in job candidates – these are not achieved by being absolutely obedient. But where should you maintain your authority and where should you allow yourself to be arbitrary? Will I find out by talking to my child? Yes, it is possible.
It’s easier with a young child. With a teenager, things are not so simple. They can be unpleasant, argumentative, ask uncomfortable questions, undermine our authority and our competence. So it’s very easy to take all this into ourselves – what does this say about me as a parent? And then sometimes it’s better not to listen or to hear, but to deny. Often what makes it difficult to communicate or listen is the reference to one’s own perspective and experience. I’m not like that as a parent, I don’t like it or I just like it and you – my teenager – should feel the same.
Parents also lose track of what is worth talking about, discussing, negotiating and what is not subject to change or discussion. After all, there are areas such as safety and health where there is no room for negotiation. But there are many others in which we can talk to our children, negotiate, discuss, but above all, listen. A teenage psychotherapy patient stopped talking to her parents because the conversations or negotiations were superficial. They did not listen, or thought they did not listen, but in the end she would do what her parents thought was best. “For example, hair,” said the girl. “I wanted to see what I would look like shaved. We talked a lot, and in the end daddy said no, and when I asked why, I heard: because not!”
Meanwhile, this conversation may sound different. Because what’s behind the “no, because not”? Maybe fear of how my child will be perceived, what comments he will hear, whether he will be able to handle it, whether someone will hurt him? Or maybe I’m afraid that this change of hairstyle is an announcement of my child’s sexual preferences? Or identity? And I’m afraid of that. And I don’t know what to think about it? Such a confrontation with one’s own fears, uncertainties or anxieties can be difficult for many parents.
Some adults also have the false idea that our child’s thoughts or emotions will be followed by action. So, if he denies it, he will refrain from doing that action (“I’m so sad…” – says the child; “But you were laughing just now” – replies the mother, because perhaps she is afraid that this sadness will pass and be followed by self-harm, which is so much talked about lately). However, it is worth opening up to the child’s perspective. Because even if he thinks and feels this way, it does not mean that he will do something soon. We have control over whether we follow our thoughts. Expressing them is already a form of regulation, it brings relief. And at the same time, the child sees that the adult knows how to be present for his thoughts and feelings, he can gain an ally and, therefore, strength:
– I am so sad.
– Is there anything I can do to make you less sad?
– No, I want to be sad for a little while, okay?
– Can I just sit with you?
– I think I’d rather be alone now.
– Brilliant. If you need me, I’m here – just let me know.
Sometimes it happens that we need to find a solution together, to change something. But sometimes you just have to accept it.
Parents probably don’t appreciate that their child’s adolescence, although painful for them and often associated with a change in the relationship with their child, is also a time when they can simply be there, support, and give unconditional acceptance – this is an invaluable asset for our children, their policy for the future. Parents don’t always have to protect, replace, and fix things. Because adolescence is the perfect time to make mistakes.
When you talk to young people about difficulties, joys, emotions, what they like or what they think about themselves, what they think would be best for them, they often respond: “No one has ever asked me that before!”
Talking, asking questions and listening can be easier when we stop believing in the myth of a happy childhood and when we accept the fact that we, as adults and parents, do not have to know the solutions to all of our children’s problems.
It may be that they are much more competent in seeking them out and finding those who will be “tailor-made” for them. And we can be with them in these extraordinary moments. Sometimes normalizing and showing your own perspective (“You know, I felt this way too, I had trouble with this too, so it helped me… I don’t know if it would help you too, what do you think?”). Being there for the young person and avoiding giving golden advice can make communication much easier. And listening will show how fascinating and deep the world of our children is.
Read too: She dedicated her entire life to her children, husband and parents. She simply forgot about herself.
Magdalene Śniegulska – psychologist. Works at the School of Education of the Polish-American Freedom Foundation and the University of Warsaw, as well as at the Department of Clinical and Health Psychology of the SWPS University. Deals with behavioral disorders of children and adolescents. He also works with parents with behavioral problems
