A popular joke
There is a lot of talk about emotional abuse. About blackmail, intimidation, manipulation. But another destructive weapon is still often ignored in silence: punishing with silence. “Quiet days” or tantrums that are often ignored can be destructive even to a good relationship.
This is confirmed by psychologist Maja Pisarek. – This is a common mechanism in both couples and families. Unfortunately, parents also use insults and insults against their children. Punishment with silence is a popular form of emotional violence, she emphasizes.
Screaming, yelling, swearing – we know perfectly well that this hurts a loved one. But what could be negative about silence? After all, in many guides we read that it is worth calming down, going to another room and stopping yelling. According to many experts, it is better to distance yourself and remain silent than to argue heatedly.
So how can we distinguish silencing from emotional violence, how to punish with silence?
– When we want to calm down after difficult emotions, for example after a fight, we often say: “Wait, I need to calm down”, “Give me a moment” – explains Maja Pisarek.
– And in fact, when we don’t talk to someone, we tend to do everything we can to regulate our emotions. We try to calm our anger or disappointment. However, if we punish someone with silence, we completely avoid talking. And not to regulate our emotions, but to show how affected we are by the situation. That doesn’t do anything good.
Interpretations of intentional silence are important. Maja Pisarek gives examples: – I am giving up talking to you, which means I am giving up my relationship with you. I do not even respond to requests like: “Talk to me” or “Please stop”.
When someone consistently remains silent, it shows the other person that they are insignificant. This is how Maja Pisarek, a psychologist, despises them
This is where the element of violence lies. Although some may think that the lack of contact is a denial of this. No one swears or raises their voice…
– If an argument or misunderstanding occurs, it is logical to strive for a solution or agreement. Or at least recognize that each of us thinks differently and that we have the right to do so, says Maja Pisarek. – However, silence is a signal that “I don’t care about you”, “you are not an important person to me, nor are your emotions, needs, arguments”.
Itching for a fight
Sometimes someone goes silent for an hour or two: after a fight or when the other party has done something wrong. They stay silent all day or 24 hours a day. “Quiet days” are also famous in many relationships, that is, entire periods without talking. In her practice, Maja Pisarek hears stories of patients or their relatives who sometimes remain silent for several months. How is this possible when you live under the same roof?
– Only dry and necessary messages about joint functioning appear. For example: “I’m going to take the car”, “there will be no dinner”, “I’m leaving”. People who are close to each other function as subtenants who have agreed to pay the rent and stock the refrigerator together, explains the psychologist. She has noticed that sometimes people (more men than women) even enjoy the silent phase in a relationship: – Because if he has an aggressive and intense partner, that is the only time he feels at peace. Some people function this way throughout their lives.
– I miss fighting. When I explain to my partner that men shouldn’t be insulted because it’s unmanly, he gets even more angry. And he stays silent for a long time – Daria, 28, shakes her head. – I get furious when he goes on his rants. And I feel like crying when he doesn’t respond to my requests when I really need him. And this is how he punishes me. I recently went to a friend’s bachelorette party and came back in the morning. Is it normal that sometimes we go out to have fun without our other half? – he asks rhetorically.
She came back at seven in the morning, not in the best condition (as she says, and quickly adds: “But I didn’t do anything wrong, I was just dancing”). Since that morning, my partner has been silent. Daria knows exactly why. He felt offended, probably didn’t trust her, probably got worried when she didn’t answer his calls. Except that she wanted to talk about everything, apologize, but now he’s closed himself off. It’s not known how long this will take. Once, he was silent for ten days.
Passive aggression
A few days ago, a neighbor flooded their apartment. Daria was home. My partner went to play pool. When water started dripping from the ceiling into the kitchen and bathroom, she was terrified. “I called him, but he didn’t answer. I wrote 15 messages, and then he came and started acting up, calling the police, the insurance company, etc. He still hasn’t said a word to me. I find it disgusting,” Daria says. She remembers how lonely she felt at that time.
– Because when someone consistently remains silent, it shows the other person that he or she is insignificant. In this way, he or she disrespects the other person. The other person’s self-esteem begins to crumble. He or she begins to doubt his or her abilities and possibilities – says Maja Pisarek.
Some people remain silent because they simply do not know how to do otherwise. Or they do not know that it is worth talking about what happened. Their mothers, grandmothers, sometimes fathers and grandfathers, remained equally silent. They punished their loved ones with silence.
Katarzyna Miller, a psychologist, psychotherapist and author of books, has this kind of memory. She talked about it in one of the episodes of her podcast “For a Moment”. “I know this from my mother, who did this to me and my father,” she said about being punished with silence. And she explained that leaving someone (also emotionally) means abandoning them. An unspoken message like: “I don’t care about you”. “Don’t do this to your loved ones and don’t let them do this to you”, Katarzyna Miller finally asked. You can find hundreds of comments on this episode: “Yes, yes, I know too”, “It’s passive aggression”.
Unfortunately, many people still transfer this pattern to their relationships, often without thinking.
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“It’s a transgenerational model of knowledge about how the world and interpersonal relationships work,” says Maja Pisarek. “We act the way we are programmed. Of course, if I realize that my mother has always punished me with silence, I will never do that in my home. But I may also have no idea that there is another way. Although we already know that spanking is violence, emotional violence often remains unnamed.
Mass culture doesn’t help us, often advocating the justice of silence as punishment (especially among women; curiously, in this case there is usually no male hero). On the Internet you can find dozens of jokes and memes about “she has a bad temper”. A disco piece by a certain Skoti, “Ona ma focha”, has been played hundreds of thousands of times on YouTube.
And what patterns does pop culture show us? Maja Pisarek recalls that in many romantic comedies, women are disgusted by the behavior of a lover who constantly makes mistakes. So they often purse their lips, get offended and remain silent. Or they disappear without saying a word. The other side must make an effort, apologize and prove love. – And this serves as a model for solving problems in this way – says the therapist.
I feel scared
How do we react when the other side punishes us with silence? How do we defend ourselves?
– First of all, I encourage you to read about this type of emotional abuse – advises Maja Pisarek. – The next step is to talk. Often, the partner needs specific arguments that we are dealing with violence. Therefore, I suggest that you first feel stronger on the subject and equip yourself with knowledge. Be clear about your feelings. That is: what happens to me when you remain silent? What emotions do I have? From the moment we fight and I am angry with you and I am glad that you do not talk, to the moment when I feel afraid that you are about to leave me.
The psychologist highlights: – The feeling of rejection is one of the worst and most difficult fears to work with.
That’s why some people give in and do everything they can to get the other person to talk. They stop getting angry, insulting, and silent. Also because they’re afraid that someone will stop loving them and abandon them. They apologize despite everything, even if they weren’t always to blame. – Then they feel like a doormat on which muddy shoes have been wiped. It’s important to talk about these emotions. To make both partners understand that they experienced something that shouldn’t have happened. And to avoid doing it in the future – says the psychologist.
He advises asking your loved one how you can help them when they’re withdrawing into themselves. How should you respond when they go into “quiet days” mode? Someone needs a hug, someone needs a kind word.
– Sometimes you can avoid silence. How? I have a simple piece of advice. Discuss things hand in hand. Then we still feel that we have to take care of the other person in some way. Don’t ignore with silence, Maja Pisarek sums up.
