Parents who regret having children are more likely than those who are satisfied with their parenting to say that they made the decision to have children as a result of pressure. For example, from family, a partner, or in connection with cultural norms that determine at what age one should take on this role. Their motivation is external, they are not fully convinced. What’s more, they sometimes say directly: “Actually, I felt that it was not for me, but I let myself be persuaded because my husband said that otherwise he would leave me” or: “My wife said she dreams of having a child and I will agree “or he will get divorced”. This is a lesson in approaching parenthood responsibly. This does not mean that the needs of our loved ones should not be important to us. Quite the opposite. But it is also worth not forgetting your own needs.
Some were convinced they wanted to have children and still regret their decision.
– Modern parenting is demanding and, in order to become a source of satisfaction, it requires certain skills and a set of diverse functionalities. For example, research shows that people who have difficulty coping with stress or who are at increased risk of various psychological problems (such as depression or borderline personality symptoms), or who are very emotionally unstable or anxious, are at greater risk of regretting their decision to have a child in the future. Increasingly, one can find in the literature the statement that modern parenting is a bit like work. It is a highly specialized human activity. Two or a hundred years ago, it was a more natural process. Back then, we did not know much about children, so their upbringing was not burdened with so many limits, rules and principles. The father came first, he was in charge, and the child was supposed to listen and not stand out.
Over the past hundred years, we have discovered the emotional world of children, and children themselves have risen to the top of the family. Many parents do not have the necessary skills to fully integrate themselves into modern parenting. It can be said that some people are simply less suited to the modern role of parenting. When they realize this, parenting begins to become a source of stress for them. For example, the child cries a lot and protests, and the parents do not know how to deal with it, nor do they have enough emotional skills to remain calm in such situations. They think to themselves: “Maybe I should yell at him so that he finally leaves me alone”, but they know that they cannot do this because it is violence and harm to the child. This is indeed the case. And this role begins to overwhelm them, and sometimes that is why they begin to regret the decision to become a parent.
You compare parenthood to work. However, you can quit your job.
– Yes, parenthood is probably the riskiest social role of adulthood because it is forever. We can get involved with someone, we can even get married and divorced, we can go to work and then completely change our profession, we can even leave everything and go to the Bieszczady Mountains. We are not in danger of anything because of this, except for some personal consequences. However, parenthood cannot be abandoned. Once we enter it, it lasts as long as the child lives. And I am not surprised that some people are starting to regret it. In Poland it is about 10-13 percent. fathers. However, it is encouraging that the vast majority of people are satisfied and fulfilled as mothers or fathers.
However, her research shows that a growing number of parents are suffering from burnout.
– In fact, parental burnout may be more widespread than regret about having children. These phenomena go hand in hand, as being a burned-out parent increases the risk of regretting having children. However, this does not mean that every burned-out parent regrets their decision to become a parent. It is estimated that around 8-9 percent of parents worldwide are extremely burned out. So we are talking about people who become depressed, have even suicidal thoughts, and their health is at risk. But there is also a much larger army of parents who suffer from burnout, to a lesser and moderate extent. They are simply exhausted, tired and overwhelmed. Parenthood is not a source of satisfaction and self-development for them, but rather they perceive it as a burden. We see this especially among young parents. Around 30 percent of them show increased symptoms of burnout.
What exactly is parental burnout?
– This is a consequence of long-term parental stress. It manifests itself in many ways. First, there is a feeling of being too exhausted from being a parent. It exceeds the parent’s capabilities and he or she can no longer cope. Then parenthood stops being a positive experience and becomes something negative. The father then withdraws from the relationship with the child, which is called detachment. He limits emotional contact to a minimum, talks to the child less, does not spend time with them and focuses only on the things that the child needs to do, that is, those related to care, treatment, school. He sees what is happening, says that before it was different, now it is going in the wrong direction and his or her parental self-esteem is falling.
I feel like a burned out dad must be very lonely. I’m sure he hears everywhere how wonderful being a dad is.
– Parental burnout and parental regret are still taboo subjects. And the loneliness comes from the fact that exhausted or grieving parents have no one to talk to. Some people are ashamed and afraid of being ostracized, others are given information that tells them they shouldn’t reveal it. If they do talk about it, they are met with misunderstandings and hear: “Oh really? How is that possible” or: “It will surely pass, it’s just temporary”. We like to give this advice, but there is little understanding among us for people for whom parenting is very difficult and exhausting. Just read online forums, where you find comments like “If you can’t handle a child, you should have taken birth control pills”. I remember a conversation with an exhausted and regretful mother who wrote about it on the internet, but when someone in the family found out, it became a huge scandal. No one understood her. Everyone said she was a disgrace to the family.
And she just showed that parenthood isn’t always idyllic. But do many people believe that?
– Some people do have an idealized image of parenthood, but that’s hardly surprising. Until you experience something personally, it’s hard to understand all the pros and cons of this situation. These parents often say that they imagined raising children a little differently. It was supposed to be fun, it was supposed to be an exciting adventure. Women say that their family promised to support them. They were told: “Yes, have a child, we’ll help you, we’ll do everything together,” and then they added: “Suddenly it turned out that everyone had lied to me.” I remember one conversation in which the remorseful mother said: “It only turned out later that everyone had been lying.” She felt like she was completely alone.
What problems exhausted parents the most?
– Regretful and severely exhausted parents are worried about the feeling that they cannot escape this situation. This leaves them in a very confused state, because what can they do if they cannot escape? However, something can be done about it. Since we know that most of the factors that increase the risk of parental burnout are characteristics of the parents themselves, we can influence and help them. The first studies on support for exhausted parents are already emerging. They draw attention to forms of group support, which have proven to be very effective, and a few months of psychological classes are enough to bring great relief to parents. If the person realizes that parenthood takes away their joy and increasingly, when the child is not at home, they think they are fine and sigh when the child returns, these are signs that it is worth seeking help.
Konrad Piotrowski – PhD in Psychology, Deputy Director of the Institute of Psychology at SWPS University. In his scientific work he deals with parenting, perfectionism and identity development. Member of the Polish Association for Human Developmental Psychology, the European Association for Developmental Psychology and the International Society for Identity Research.
