And yet… on both sides of this divide there are people who have a lot in common. Among other things, they are naturally predisposed to mental suffering. You may have noticed that self-help literature is increasingly filling the shelves of bookstores. Depression, anxiety, anger, divorce, relationship problems, addiction, trauma, low self-esteem, loneliness, grief, stress, lack of self-confidence – you name it, it has been covered in some book. Every year, the number of psychologists, coaches, counselors and therapists increases, as do the prescriptions for various medications. On radio and television, in newspapers and magazines, on podcasts and on social media, “experts” constantly bombard us with advice on how to improve our quality of life. Yet – despite all this support and advice – we suffer more, not less. The statistics are alarming. The World Health Organization has recognized depression as one of the most common, costly and devastating illnesses in the world. Every year, one tenth of the world’s adult population suffers from clinical depression and one in five people will suffer from this illness at some point in their lives.
More than one-third of the adult population will struggle with an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, and one in four adults will struggle with drug or alcohol addiction (more than fourteen million people are addicted to alcohol in the United States alone!). However, the most shocking statistics concern suicide. Nearly one in two people will seriously consider suicide at some point in their lives—and will struggle with the idea for at least two weeks. Even more frightening is that one in ten people will attempt suicide (thankfully, very few of them succeed). Think about those numbers for a moment. Think about your friends, family, and coworkers. Nearly half of these people will suffer so much at some point in their lives that they will consider suicide—and one in ten will take their own life!
Life is hard
Now think of the common forms of suffering that are not considered mental disorders but that make us unhappy, such as work-related stress, anxiety about the results of our actions, loneliness, relationship conflicts, illness, divorce, painful loss, physical trauma, aging, poverty, racism, sexism, bullying, existential anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity, fear of failure, perfectionism, low self-esteem, “midlife crisis”, impostor syndrome, jealousy, fear of loss, lack of purpose in life… the list goes on.
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How to Free Yourself from Intrusive Thoughts
True or not, our thoughts are nothing more than words. If these words tell us something useful, something that can help us, then they are worth paying attention to. But if they don’t, why bother?
Suppose I make a serious mistake at work and my mind tells me, “You are incompetent!” This is its way of trying to help me – it points out a problem that I need to solve. But that’s where everything stops. It doesn’t tell me what to do to improve the situation, it just takes away my confidence. There’s no point in putting yourself down. In such a situation, you have to take action – correct the mistake, improve your skills, or ask for help. You can spend a lot of time wondering whether your thoughts are true; your mind will endlessly try to involve you in such a discussion. While there are times when this question is important, in most situations it has no meaning at all and considering it takes a lot of energy.
It’s much better to ask yourself, “Does this thought tell you something helpful? If I let it guide me, will it bring me closer to the life I want or further away from it?” If a thought is helpful, use it wisely and let it guide your actions. But if it doesn’t offer anything of value, let it go. “What if a negative thought is actually helpful? What if telling myself I’m fat motivates me to exercise?” I can almost hear you asking. Good question. Sometimes harsh, critical, self-critical thoughts can motivate us—but the cost of relying on this form of motivation is enormous.
It turns out that self-critical thoughts give us an impetus to act, but more often than not they have the opposite effect, that is, they make us feel guilty or anxious, they stress us out, depress us, frustrate us, which makes us lose self-confidence and motivation. This is what we are dealing with in the case of unhealthy perfectionism. We then fall into the trap of “I have to do it right and achieve a great result”. As long as we manage to follow this principle, work hard and actually achieve good results, our mind is (to a certain extent) satisfied. However, when we are calm, it judges us mercilessly and calls us all sorts of insults. This gives us an impetus again and we start working hard – but at what cost? Usually at the cost of stress, burnout or long-term exhaustion. In the following chapters, we will look at much healthier ways to motivate yourself, which strengthen, rather than weaken, your desire to act.
For now, remember that thoughts that criticize, insult, judge, humiliate, or blame you will, in the long run, weaken rather than strengthen your motivation. So when a nagging thought like this pops into your head, ask yourself at least one of the following questions:
Is this an old thought? Have I heard it before? Will I benefit from hearing it again? If I let this thought guide my actions, will it help me improve my life?
What will I gain if I let myself be convinced by this thought?
To recognize whether a thought is helpful or not, ask yourself: If I follow this thought, will it help me…
… become the person I want to be?
…do what I really want to do?
…build a better life in the long run?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then the thought is probably useful (otherwise it is probably useless).
Thoughts and beliefs
How do you know which thoughts to believe? The answer to this question consists of three parts. First, be careful not to become too attached to any beliefs.
If you have ever argued with someone who was absolutely convinced that they were right, you know how futile it is. Such a person is incapable of seeing any point of view other than their own. We say about such a person that he lacks flexibility, has narrow horizons, has blinders or rigid views. Furthermore, as you reflect on your experience, you will notice that your beliefs change over time. You may find that the foods you used to eat now seem a little funny.
For example, at some point in your life you’ve probably believed in the existence of dragons, elves, fairies, vampires, witches, wizards, magic, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. Also, almost everyone changes some of their beliefs about religion, politics, money, family, and health as they age. So have your beliefs, but don’t get attached to them. Remember that all beliefs are thoughts (i.e., words in your head), whether they’re true or not. Second, if a thought helps you create a rich, meaningful, and meaningful life, then it’s worth using as a guide and source of motivation. Don’t forget that it’s still essentially a story—a sequence of words, an element of language. So let it guide you, but don’t get attached to it. Third, pay attention to what’s really happening, rather than automatically believing what your mind tells you.
You may have heard of impostor syndrome. This is when a person who does his job competently believes he is committing fraud because he doesn’t really know what he is doing. He sees himself as a fraud who is constantly fooling everyone and will certainly be exposed at some point. People with impostor syndrome don’t pay enough attention to their direct experience, to the obvious and visible facts that prove they are doing a good job. Instead, they focus their attention on an overly critical mind that says, “You don’t know what you are doing. Sooner or later, everyone will find out you are a poser.” A famous example is Robbie Williams, a hugely successful pop star who was often tormented by the idea that he couldn’t sing. When I first started practicing medicine, I also suffered from impostor syndrome. When one of my patients said, “Thank you, sir. You are a great doctor,” I thought, “Yes, of course. You wouldn’t say that if you knew who I really was.” I could not accept such praise because my mind, even though I was doing my job well, kept telling me that I was useless. And I believed it.
Getting off the hook
Whenever I made a mistake, no matter how trivial, two words automatically popped into my head: “I am incompetent.” At the time, I was very nervous because I believed this thought to be the absolute truth. Then I started to doubt myself and analyze all my decisions. Maybe I misdiagnosed the stomach ache? Did I prescribe the wrong antibiotic? Did I miss something important?
Excerpt from the book: THE HAPPINESS TRAP Stop fighting, start living
