Give a choice
Patryk wants his daughter to be a conscious, self-confident person who knows how to make decisions, which is why he consults her on various topics from an early age.
—We treat the child as an equal human being. It’s an interpersonal relationship. We ask her opinion, we consult her decisions, we ask her what she wants to eat and where to go. We make plans together every day, her voice is as important as ours. In the past, my mother paid for dinner and there was no choice. We give our daughter that choice,” she assures. For Patryk, parenting is improvisation. Sometimes I look for inspiration on the Internet, but I adapt all the advice and ideas to my family individually. — All my friends raise their children in the same way. We have pros and cons, but we try. The most important thing for me is to treat my child as an equal and to keep my word. If I promise something, I keep it. Despite the difficulties that sometimes arise, for me being a mother is a constant joy, she adds.
Parents involved
— We made the decision to have a child consciously, we knew from the very beginning how we wanted to raise his childhood and what values we wanted to pass on to him, says Karolina, mother of 7-year-old Mikołaj. Together with her husband, she and her husband meticulously prepared for parenthood. They read books and guides and attended parenting workshops. They gained knowledge to give their son the best possible childhood.
— We wanted and still want to be involved and participate in our son’s life. We share responsibilities. It’s a model of education that we haven’t tried yet, he says. They try to talk to each other continuously about all the difficulties. — We listen to our son and take his opinion into account. We strive to make his emotions perceptible. We try to understand and not ignore his moods. We want our son to see the world with us, we take him on trips and excursions. “He is our partner to spend time together,” he explains.
In all this, Karolina and her husband try to find a balance. “Give your son time for learning and extracurricular activities, but also for fun and active moments with us, the parents,” she emphasizes. That’s why they don’t enroll their children in just a few extracurricular activities, but choose the ones they clearly want. “We want him to articulate his needs and that’s what we teach him. We don’t want to overwhelm him.” He decided to take judo classes, attended them for a year, and then we enrolled him in these classes outside of kindergarten. Moderation in all this is important, she assures. Karolina’s biggest challenge is giving her son access to new technologies.
— This is probably the biggest challenge. As millennials, we grew up with the evolution of technology, our children were brought into this world. Our job as parents is to balance the way we use this world. That it would not be overstimulating, that the content would be filtered and that they would be able to set limits, she adds.
Reward
They grew up in times of political transformation, in a society busy building prosperity. — Millennials, now in their 30s and 40s, are the generation that grew up in the 1990s. They were raised by overworked parents who struggled to ensure material well-being. In these homes, conversation and presence were lacking.
—They often have an absent, hard-working father and a mother who is busy with household chores. This greatly influences the way they raise their children, explains psychologist and therapist Kamila Grześkowiak. Modern mothers make sure that fathers are actively involved in raising their children. They take them to school, spend time with them, talk to them. — In the last two or three decades, our family model has changed. Men take paternity leave, fathers are more willing to share household responsibilities and, when they lack the strength, they rely on outside help. If they can afford it, they hire a maid., dedicate more time to children – the expert notes. They are concerned about giving their children what they lacked. Both intangible and material. — The Millennial generation reflects a lot on the value and importance of education. They discover that they did not have many things in their childhood and do not want to repeat their parents’ mistakes, he emphasizes.
“We give them everything”
— When I was a child, I really missed being around. Knowing that I would have children of my own, I decided to adopt attachment parenting, says Ania, mother of five daughters. From the beginning, she wanted to build bonds with her children and respond to their needs. — My parents were very busy, they wanted to earn money, they weren’t home all the time. I came back after school and watched TV. I took values from there. I didn’t want to repeat that model. I want to dedicate a lot of time to my daughters and give them love. I pay attention to their needs and check on them constantly, she explains. And when she catches them, she tries to react quickly.
— I want to give my children what I didn’t have. I don’t want them to feel inferior to others. We are a large family and some people equate having many children with poverty. I want the children not to feel that way, so we give them everything. Although it is true that they want more all the time. They quickly get bored with toys and need more. We try to teach them the value of money and respect for things, but it is not an easy task, says Ania.
How to find balance. — Sometimes I see that children take advantage of my kindness. My husband thinks we should introduce more discipline, that I am too kind. We have to compromise. Little by little, I try to be firmer with them to make their lives easier in the future,” she explains. For Ania, it is very important not to impose her vision of the future on her children. — My parents wanted me to be educated, I felt a lot of pressure to achieve it. I would like my children to be happy, above all. For them to choose a path that brings them joy. I have to leave my ambitions behind, she adds.
The avocado generation
Modern parents are raising the “avocado generation” – children who are well-groomed and cared for to the fullest. Children who have nothing. “Sometimes they overwhelm them with too many objects and toys. But there is a fine line between giving them structure and over-exerting and over-stimulating children. Parents invest in extracurricular activities, better equipment and food, and they also hang a lesson plan on the fridge around which they organize their family life, which puts pressure on their children that they themselves have been experiencing for years,” explains Grześkowiak.
However, in recent decades, the direction of this pressure has changed.
— Millennials should finish school and pursue a career. For their children, they want independence, assertiveness and focus on their potential. When children cannot find their way around right away, they feel like they are doing something wrong, the psychologist notes. This is what they talk about later in therapy rooms. — They have undergone therapy en masse. Many of them did not go through the important phase of meeting expectations in adolescence and are going through it now. They feel a lot of anger towards their parents – for their shortcomings, their lack of attention, for sweeping important issues under the carpet. They do not want to make their own mistakes. This is a generation that is changing the way families communicate, says Kamila Grześkowiak.
They treat the child as an equal member of the family. They try to support them in every possible way. They are moving away from punishment and towards rewards. – They are moving away from physical and psychological violence. They emphasize conversation, even if they are learning themselves. They draw knowledge and inspiration from podcasts, blogs and educational profiles. However, they must be careful not to be consumed by the pressure of parental perfection. Knowledge is within their reach, but it is worth using it wisely and passing it on to children, she emphasizes. Psychologist Kamila Grześkowiak draws attention to the threats that can accompany the new model of education.
— Millennials can’t rest, they spend their free time browsing social media and pass this pattern on to their children, who are already overstimulated. It is a big challenge for today’s parents to discover the importance of rest together. We live in a time when the geopolitical situation, the falling fertility rate and the economic conditions do not inspire optimism. Children will not have an easy start to adult life, but many of them will maintain contact with their parents and this will be an advantage. Today’s people in their 30s and 40s often break off contact with their parents, regret it and are unable to communicate, so they will strive for a common understanding and contact with their own children in adulthood, he adds.
No shouting
— There was a time when few people wondered why a child cried, why they had tantrums or why they fought with their sibling. There was a “solution” to most children’s problems, namely a slap or a belt. Fortunately, we have moved away from such violent solutions – says Kamil Nowak, author of the profile Blog Pai. The place of not listening and not understanding has been replaced by the attempt to understand. Although, as he explains, it can be a great challenge. “I can’t express how much my children’s behavior has changed since I changed mine”, he says. And he adds: – Of course, we are talking about long years in which I had to unlearn certain automatisms that I had, but the less yelling there was on my part, the less yelling there was on their part. The more peace there was in my relationship with my children, the more peace there was in the relationship between them and with other people. It is truly incredible to see these changes, even if sometimes we have to wait several years to see the effects, he observes.
For Kamil, however, the most important thing about parenting is the long-term goal he seeks through everyday practices. “So, for example, I teach a child how to prepare breakfast and because of this he may sometimes forget and feel hungry for a while, but he will learn an important life lesson. Previous generations of children were much more responsible for organizing their own time. Today, with the changes that are taking place in the world, it is increasingly difficult to pass on these values to children. We must remember that one day our children will go out into the world alone. Therefore, let’s prepare them for this in the best possible way,” he notes.
