He says that he and Jacek know each other like the proverbial bald horses. What do you do if after eleven years of relationship everything is over? – We don’t even argue anymore, we pass each other in the apartment like you pass by furniture. No hugs, no questions about your well-being. The farewell was almost all silent; we talked about it and the next day we canceled the apartment we rented together, he recalls without emotion.
Bride on Facebook
She admits: after a decade with one person (without cheating or side hustles), she became very curious about the “marriage market”. She heard inspiring stories about her friends’ dates and their extraordinary achievements. Her plan was to start dating for a while and then commit to a permanent relationship. With the chosen one, the best. But a year and a half passed and… nothing.
– I’ve been on twenty-one dates, fifteen of which didn’t continue. Either the men disappeared or I didn’t want to do it anymore, says Dorota. She dated a man intensely for several weeks, but he turned out to be a high-functioning alcoholic. The other person she had sex with “forgot” to mention that he had a fiancée and would be getting married in the summer. The truth came out thanks to the photos he had on Facebook (he didn’t even bother to hide them). Dorota was shocked because she had already fallen in love with this man.
That’s when she felt she was fed up with dating strangers, at least for now. She wrote to her ex, Jacek. He wasn’t happy with her situation either. Their dating experience had been unsuccessful. They met in a bar and, word for word, ended up in bed. – In the morning I looked at Jacek and thought: “No, I don’t want to be with him yet, I’m not in that phase anymore. But the sex was good!” He felt the same, so for a while now we’ve been going to bed together every weekend. We don’t hide the fact that we’re looking for new partners. Maybe this isn’t the best approach, but at least no one lies to anyone, says Dorota. And she proudly shows off the new profile picture she posted on Tinder. She’s just had a first date with someone.
No one knows exactly how many there are. Ex-partners who still have sex but are no longer in a relationship.
Relationship ghost
“Sex with an ex” is often a solution for couples who don’t want or can’t stay together, but are satisfied with their sex life. – Or they simply don’t have another connection or relationship for the time being, and then it becomes sexual self-help – comments Dr. Robert Kowalczyk, psychologist, sexologist and therapist at the Splot Institute in Warsaw.
People in this type of relationship, of course, also go to the Institute’s offices, but, interestingly, most of the time they don’t report “sex with an ex” as a problem. They simply mention it or say that this is or was the case. And that’s it. There are also, as the sexologist says, people who return to each other temporarily or for a long time just to have sex together.
What are the characteristics of the coexistence between ex-partners who, despite the breakup, still go to bed with each other? – Sex is no longer a tool to influence the partner, it is no longer a reflection of playfulness in the relationship. Ex-partners usually no longer have such high expectations of themselves or even of the sex they had in the relationship, comments Dr. Robert Kowalczyk. He adds that for some couples, broadly understood sexual health is an important element.
That is? If ex-partners agree to have sex only with each other for a while, for example until they find other people to have a relationship with, they often believe that their partners are, for example, free from sexually transmitted infections.
– I often hear from my clients that meetings with an ex-partner after a breakup to talk calmly or return things end in bed – admits psychologist Zuzanna Butryn, who runs the SENSE Psychotherapy Center in Warsaw. – For me, from a therapeutic point of view, it is a sign that there is still an emotional bond between these people and that there has not been a complete separation. Sometimes two people lack physical closeness because this area of passion was for a long time the pillar of their relationship, and deficits in other areas, for example in communication, led to the breakup of the relationship – the psychologist emphasizes.
She has noticed that women are more emotionally involved in “sex with ex” relationships than men. “But these are just statistics from my office,” she says. “However, many women come to me with a problem they call separation from their partner. Sex between them is a ghost of the relationship, something like: ‘we’ve already broken up, but we’re still sleeping together.’ In this situation, we won’t even go into the grieving process of the relationship because it still exists,” she adds.
Risky business
Mariusz (40): – When I ended my stormy relationship with Anka after two years, she couldn’t forgive me. She called my mother and sister to convince me to get back together, wrote to me on Instagram, called me from different phone numbers. She convinced me that I was the love of her life. I was once in love with her, but she effectively scared me with her desire to control me. After a while, I think I missed her. I offered to meet her, she was over the moon. We arranged a date at her place, she herself suggested it. We had sex and it was always great, I must say. However, I didn’t want to get involved with her again, I was tired of the constant fights and jealous scenes she created for me. We made plans a few more times, always ending the date in bed. Anka was delighted because she thought that meant getting back together. When I made her realize that she treated us like exes, she got furious and punched me in the face. I had to break off that relationship. Now I can’t imagine having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I’ve had terrible experiences with this. I’m lonely, I don’t want to change that; sometimes I meet someone for a date and enjoy life.
As you can see, “agreements” like “sex with an ex” can be risky. What do therapists think you should look out for in such a situation? “It all depends on what both parties have agreed to,” emphasizes Dr. Robert Kowalczyk. And one more, no less important thing: how they respect these agreements. “Sex should be a pleasure, so why shouldn’t they use it if it suits both parties?” says Dr. Robert Kowalczyk rhetorically.
He notes that exes treat this type of relationship differently: as an equivalent, non-targeted model, that is, transitional. In this way, it may be easier for them to get used to the separation. In theory, it may seem extremely simple, but when feelings and unhealed wounds come into play, the relationship scenario can be very different.
Self-help? Is there faith in return?
– You should definitely be careful with attachment, which can turn into feelings, for example, only for one of the parties – warns psychologist Zuzanna Butryn. – During sex, the level of oxytocin, the attachment hormone, increases in the body, so emerging emotions can also be explained by biological mechanisms. Another important thing: self-awareness. If we seek a full relationship, we want to live with someone and create a home, staying in relationships based only on sex can prevent us from entering a relationship that fully satisfies us, she says.
When can this relationship become problematic or harmful? – When one of the parties has motivations other than sexual ones – answers Dr. Robert Kowalczyk. – If people separate by mutual consent, everything that happens afterwards is usually easier. Also their possible sex life. But when one of the parties still believes that they can be together, wants it and works towards it, trying to create a relationship through sex, this can be painful.
Sometimes ex-partners get back together sexually because they are disappointed with the reality of dating mentioned above. They also talk about this in therapists’ offices. – Some people are sure that after a breakup the marriage market will open up for them, they will enjoy life to the fullest or meet special people. In the meantime, things are different. It is easier to find someone for casual sex than for a long-term relationship. It is not obvious that after a breakup, someone new and wonderful will soon appear “in life”. And then “sex with an ex” becomes, again, sexual self-help – says Dr.
Or maybe friends?
Some people compare “sex with an ex” to a friends-with-benefits relationship. Or he identifies with her. And yet it’s not the same thing. Dr. Kowalczyk draws attention to the issue of mutual expectations and agreements. He argues that FsB sex is a relationship that focuses primarily on sex, without any deep friendship or close relationship, and in relationships with exes it’s hard not to take into account the previous intimacy.
Pros? – Ex-partners usually know exactly what the other likes in bed and feel safe and stable with each other. This is often a fundamental aspect that has an incredible power of attraction – summarizes the sexologist.
