A local guitarist played in the bar. There were a lot of people hanging out. Including a Polish guy from Rzeszów. He chatted with Małgorzata. He flew alone; a friend got sick and didn’t want to miss the trip. When they closed the bar at 2 a.m., they were still chatting. They moved to the disco. They danced almost like in “Dirty Dancing,” they were joking around. At 4 o’clock, Małgorzata noticed her astonished daughter, who was looking for her all over the hotel. She obediently went back to the room with the teenager. The next night, she announced that she needed to relax and dance. That night, Małgorzata landed on a rocky beach with her new Polish friend. There was praise, there was passion, there was sex.
“Everything was there,” Małgorzata reflects. – Everything I don’t have at home every day.
– Holidays are a special time when many people go into relaxation mode, but also into crazy fun. We are more in touch with our own needs and shortcomings and have the desire to enjoy life, says Dr. Julita Czernecka, sociologist at the University of Lodz and relationship coach.
In her opinion, cheating on vacation could be the answer to our needs. And how we cross boundaries. – People who have a good, supportive relationship and know each other generally do not cheat. However, people who function in boundary-crossing mode are more likely to be unfaithful. They allow themselves to be cheated on even throughout the year, although summer and vacations are definitely conducive to close contact and fun. During the summer holidays, we turn to alcohol and other stimulants more often, we are relaxed and therefore more likely to take risks – says the researcher.
Including betrayal. How many faces does infidelity have? This is where we sometimes differ greatly.
– If you listen to different people, even in my office, the understanding of cheating is very different – admits psychologist and psychotherapist Paulina Bernatek-Ogrodnik, who runs the Self Studio office. – Recently, during a psychological consultation, there was a man for whom it was cheating that his partner was “texting friends”. She believes that she should not have contact with other men. For some people, cheating can mean having sex with another person, for others it can be a kiss, virtual sex or sharing secrets.
Energetic, self-confident
For another man, the mere fact that his wife went on vacation without him was cheating… And if we focus on cheating in the traditional sense, that is, going to bed with someone outside the relationship, then summer and vacation are at least a favorable period. Why?
– Many people allow themselves more. People become more open and willing to flirt. Some people need to get away from months of hard work, excessive stress, get out of their daily routine or simply want to show off to their team – explains Paulina Bernatek-Ogrodnik. – The sun is shining, it’s warmer, the concentration of vitamin D increases, our mood improves. We are more energetic and self-confident. In addition, we go to new places and have more opportunities to meet new people. Especially if someone goes to the office every day and spends time in the same environment, the vacation period takes on a different dimension.
Romances among Poles are usually fleeting. They often start in a professional environment, but also during travel. Every tenth person interviewed admits to having cheated. As many as 48 percent of Poles surveyed know someone who has flirted with a person in a long-term relationship. In turn, 22 percent admitted to flirting with people in stable relationships; almost the same number of people did so when they had a permanent partner. This is according to data from the Public Opinion Research Center. One in four men surveyed look for people who are open to sexual matters when they have an affair. Less often, they look for a sense of humor and intelligence. Women, however, prefer intelligent, self-confident men with a sense of humor.
– In our research, we mainly relied on statements. Men generally admit to cheating more often, which is a result of greater social acceptance than women. This is part of the patriarchal way of perceiving masculinity – says Dr. Julita Czernecka – But women are still becoming more aware of their own needs, including sexual ones: at the same time, more and more Polish women admit to having suffered cheating.
For me, 500 km from home is not cheating — says Mariusz, who dates women mainly through dating apps.
I cheat on my wife and I respect it
“For me, 500 km from home is not cheating.” Mariusz thinks so. His rule: he dates women he meets mainly through dating apps. First, a meeting on neutral ground, checking if there is chemistry, and then bed. If the other party doesn’t want to or thinks it’s too soon, that more dates are needed, he gives up.
He explains that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, although it has happened many times. “I love my wife and my daughter very much,” he declares. Mariusz has great and unusual sexual needs, as he puts it. He suspects that he is a sex addict. “Something would have to be done about it, but on the other hand it feels so good,” he laughs. During the year, he has sex with women from other cities during business trips. He works in a transport company, where almost all the men work. He often goes on vacation with his family and then sails with his friends: Masuria or Croatia. He separates himself from the group and enjoys life. He says he has many fetishes, including BDSM, which his wife doesn’t like at all. He respects his wife, but says that he has to satisfy her needs in bed. He is very careful that nothing gets out of hand, that would be the end of the marriage. He has learned to warn women that it was a one-time thing. “I don’t want any problems,” he says.
Why do some people justify infidelity by saying that it’s a holiday or that “500 km from home is not cheating”?
– These people are often characterized by an immature approach to relationships – comments Dr. Julita Czernecka. – They believe that holidays are not a normal time, so they allow themselves more than during the year.
Anna, a teacher from Krakow, completely changes her lifestyle in the summer. From midday onwards she drinks rum, eats grilled meat, smokes menthol cigarettes, although she doesn’t use stimulants all year round, quenches her thirst with lemon water and is a vegetarian. In the summer she rides a bike, smokes marijuana and is more imaginative in bed. Not necessarily with the same partner.
She’s not the only one. Many people change their lifestyle during the holidays.
– If you like to sleep, you finally have the opportunity to stay in bed until noon on vacation. Many spas and resorts offer weekend breakfasts with prosecco, which doesn’t necessarily work in your favor, although it probably looks good on Instagram. That’s why we often start drinking alcohol early, and this can increase the courage to both have sex and fulfill sexual fantasies – Paulina Bernatek-Ogrodnik points out.
And he admits that some people have the opportunity to experiment sexually or do things in the summer that they wouldn’t normally do in a relationship.
– And since summer is changing, why not change the sexual sphere too? – says the psychologist. She still hears that “150 km from home doesn’t count”. Proponents of this thesis leave the city or country without a partner; they are tempted to think that even if they end up in bed with someone, no one will know about it. There is a chance for bold experiments, erotic positions, chemsex. – In the summer it is easier to meet someone and approach someone. However, it is worth noting that infidelity is not always related to vacations or trips, but to an individual canon of values. Many people seek to calm down on their own and cheating is not on their minds.
Aspiration
However, many of us are looking forward to a vacation and we have a lot of hopes for it. Not just to finally sleep, play or get a tan.
– Perfectionists and workaholics talk about needing a vacation, but they don’t want to take one. They have so much stress at work that they are afraid to leave the company, says the psychologist. – Then we work therapeutically to get them to go on vacation.
And sometimes someone behaves as if they are going on vacation for the first time in their life. The delight of freedom, opportunities and entertainment. From here, it is a step to holiday betrayals that were not planned.
For example, Rafał (34 years old) didn’t want to go on this integration trip. But everyone from the company was going and he hadn’t worked there for long. He wanted to get to know the people better, whom he hoped to work with for at least a few years. The company invited the team to learn windsurfing in Chałupy. In addition, there were boat and ship cruises to Hel and scooter rides. In the evenings there were bonfires, crazy dancing on the beach and nude bathing at night. Rafał has no idea how it happened; he drank too much and ended up with his boss’s secretary in his arms. He didn’t even like her. In the morning he felt so guilty that he had to drink again. After all, he had gotten married a few months earlier. For love. After returning, he thought the company would continue to operate as usual. But the secretary thought they were a couple. Now Rafał is urgently looking for a new job. He still can’t cope with the remorse for his wife.
– On vacation, people are more likely to act in an emotional way, that is, on impulse. “I dance, release endorphins, drink a little alcohol, the world seems cooler to me. In fact, I find myself more attractive, I am more confident”… – describes psychotherapist Paulina Bernatek-Ogrodnik. – There comes a time when, after a year of hard work in a company, where I am invisible, undervalued, and at home, where I am also insufficient, even when cooking, washing and cleaning, on vacation I suddenly become important and special. Sometimes the deficits are so great that a comment is enough: “You are so beautiful/so handsome”. Getting intimate with someone happens on impulse, and the reflection comes after the fact.
– However, cheating also happens because someone has a problem that they should face, but they don’t – admits Paulina Bernatek-Ogrodnik. For her, cheating is often evidence that something bad is happening in the relationship.
– Maybe there’s a lack of intimacy or sex? No space to talk about your needs? Or maybe we stop noticing or taking care of ourselves? Or are we overly controlling and morbidly jealous? I’ve noticed that most cheating happens for a reason.
